Monday, January 16, 2012

Deer coordination teleconference?

A parody of the city's deer culling activity

5056. Deer coordination teleconference?
by solonjoe3, 01/16/12 1:21 PM

Phone system: Stolarsky has joined the conference.

Russo: Ok, let’s get started. It’s already past the time.

Phone system: Stolarsky has left the conference.

Russo: He’ll have to catch up. Let’s start by looking at the maps for Ward I. You should have a ward one map on the screen.

Meany: I don’t see a map.

Russo: What do you see?

Meany: Wait it second…. I think it’s asking me if I want to let Cisco meeting center software run my computer. What should I do?

Russo: Click “yes.” Ok, we’ll continue on. You can see on the map that we have 8 culling sites in ward 1.

Phone system: Stolarsky has joined the conference.

Russo: We don’t quite have the coverage we’d like in the eastern side of the ward but….

Phone system: Stolarsky has left the conference.

Russo: We had to put more coverage on western side per a request from the Mayor. She says we owe Glenwillow…

Meany: Ok, it’s now asking me for password.

Russo: The password was in the meeting invite. The password is deer. As I was saying, we had put in an extra culling team to help Glenwillow as a….

Meany: It’s still not working.

Russo: Lowercase D, lowercase E

Meany: What does lowercase mean?

Russo: Not capitals.

Meany: Ok, I got d, e, ?

Russo: e, r. Got it?

Meany: Not a,r?

Russo: “Deer” like the animal. Not “dear” like the beginning of a letter.

Meany: The animal is spelled d,e,e,r? Good to know.

Phone system: Stolarsky has joined the conference.

Russo: Lon, can you quite leaving and joining the meeting.

Lon Stolarsky: Sorry. I keep hitting buttons by accident.

Meany: Ok, I see a map. But something is wrong with it. It has 8 red dots on it.

Russo: Those dots indicate where the culling teams are going to be.

Phone system: Stolarsky has left the conference.

Meany: Oh dear. Did you have to make them so red? Won’t the bright colors scare the deer away?

Russo: Moving on to ward II.

Phone system: Stolarsky has joined the conference.

Meany: Couldn't we use green dots?

Phone system: Stolarsky has left the conference.

Russo: Ok, that wraps up the presentation on the maps. At this point I’ll open it up to comments and questions.

Kraus: I think I speak for all of us when I thank you for the excellent presentation. As deer plans go, it’s hard to imagine a more comprehensive and all inclusive approach. You’ve thought of everything and it shows. Every angle is covered. And when I look at my ward, I think you’ve got those dots spread around very nicely. Great job everybody! That should wrap this up.

Pelunis: I don’t know how you can call this a "comprehensive plan." The only thing in it is culling.

Drucker: That’s not the point of this discussion.

Russo: Anybody got anything else? If not, we can….

Richmond: If you don’t mind, I’ve got a couple of concerns. Some of these culling spots or “dots” seem to be very questionable to me.

Meany: Before that, I’d like to make an official motion that we change the red dots to green dots.

Mooney: I don’t think we can pass something on a conference call.

Russo: We held this meeting by phone so we could get around the open meetings law and have our discussion in private. But if we pass something, they’ll know we met.

SolonPol: Of course we know you met.

Russo: Get off the line. This is a private call. How did you find out about this call?

Stolarksy: Sorry, sorry. It’s my fault. I asked him to help me with phones. Our internal IT is just so horrible.

Drucker: But how did he get the password? Did Sally do it?

Stolarksy: No… I mean yeah. That’s right, Sally did it.

Russo: No motions. Any more questions?

Richmond: As I was saying, the dots don’t all seem appropriate. Take this dot next to the mayor’s house. Those are all half-acre lots over there even if the lot in question backs up on Glenwillow. Too small. Or take this dot on Ward VI— it’s on a very, very narrow lot.

But the ones that really concern me are these two smack in the middle of Solar shopping center— one of them looks like it’s actually inside the Giant Eagle store.

Russo: Yeah we know. We’re just responding to complaints.

Phone system: Stolarsky has left the conference.

SolonPol: I’m on it. I’ll have him back on the line in a second….

Richmond: Complaints about deer inside of the store?

Frankland: It was part of the Solar zoning deal. I insisted on it. It’s very complicated zoning stuff— you wouldn’t understand.

Richmond: But what about the this dot by what looks like the Fifth-Third bank?

Russo: One of the culling teams wanted to be close to the bank. They are the ones in charge of picking up the checks.

Phone system: Stolarsky has joined the conference.

Russo: Any other questions?

Meany: Can we change the dots to green without a motion?

Russo: Look, green or red— any changes to the maps would involve IT and that will take weeks!

SolonPol: I can change the dots to green. It will only take a second…

Russo: Leave the friggin’ dots alone…. This call is over.

Phone system: The moderator has left the conference. [Hold music starts]

Stolarsky: Hello, hello? Oh, this darn thing isn’t working again. SolonPol?

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